Damn Cows!!
2008
OK, go to Bob's farm today and pull the 455 out of the wagon. Cows are there in the field grazing away. Bob and I get engine loaded on truck and then Bob has to head into town...he says to make sure the gates are closed before I leave so cows don’t get out. No problem.
I am working in the car, taking dash and wiring out. As I finish I notice the cattle are nowhere to be seen...must have gone to the far side of the barns as they would have had to trundle right past me and the truck not 20 feet away to get out the gates. So I pack up to leave, drive the truck out and close both barbed wire gates behind me.
I start out around the corner and then I see them. Nine cows and a bull grazing on Bob's front lawn and area!!!! WTF??? Now what? How did they get past me? All I know about cows is not to overcook them on the BBQ. So I drive the truck around them and come back up trying to force them back towards the gates...don't forget engine is bouncing on the back of the truck as the ground is rough...they don't move...just stand there looking at me and chewing. It’s like talking to management...so I honk and honk....they don't even stop chewing, just blank stares with those big round eyes. NOW what am I gonna do?? Nobody around and the cows are loose!!! If they get to the road I'm in big trouble...
So I get out and start hollering like you always see in those cowboy movies...they start moving...slowly...good stuff...so I carry on and then get them moving only to realize I have already closed the gates!!! So I change directions and the silly things eventually head towards the "corral" though which I go open and with some extra prodding finally most end up in there. At least they are trapped. Good stuff. Truck is still running. 90 minutes later I finally got them all there in except for one big bull.
He's just standing there, snot in his nose...looking down at me...won't move for anything. Even the dog nipping at him isn't noticed or helping. I see the shovel leaning against the fence. Now, what would any red-blooded Canadian man do in this situation?
I called my wife.
After she stopped laughing, she advised me not to stand behind him if I prod with the shovel. I asked her “Are you sure that is OK, this thing is huge, he has nuts the size of grapefruit!” Seems like good advice she gave to avoid the back end...so with a few gentle nudges (whack! whack!) I got the big guy moving, but it’s scary... he kinda wanders a bit....can't imagine what he weighs. What if he farts? Then cell phone goes dead. Figures. Plugged phone into truck and called wife back, all her colleagues (she was in a meeting) are laughing hysterically at me as she was on speakerphone the whole time. Don't blame them.
Finally got him in the corral too....and the sad part is I can't get a hold of Bob so have to call his son at work and tell him what happened. It's all rather embarrassing. He tells me the cattle will be fine in there for now, no need to worry, he’ll take care of them later. Yeah well I wasn’t worried about the gates either.
I get home and change. My new runners are no longer white, I'm covered in dust and sweat, my truck has cowshit all over the floormats and carpet, it stinks, and I wasted 3 hours chasing these stupid things around all afternoon like some bad actor in an old cowboy film.
And after all that I get the engine unloaded and taken apart to discovered the #2 cylinder is full of water and pitted. Hopefully it cleans up but who knows. Might be scrap. Maybe I'll get a crank out of the deal but at this point I don't care anymore.
Steaks on the BBQ for dinner.
Bastards.